That’s Life

There are no statistics on this, but I can assure my readers current events are happening at an unprecedented pace—so fast that once they happen, they are barely current anymore.

Tony Bender

By TONY BENDER

I know many of you have actual jobs and family commitments that make it difficult to keep up. Others are simply staying heavily medicated to avoid thinking about what’s happening out there.

Thus, it’s on my shoulders to keep you informed enough to have a fighting chance. Saving lives (and making you look smarter at the next cocktail party) is what we do here. Welcome to the Tony Bender Super Brain Quiz.

1. Name something found on Hillary’s E-mail server:

a. Zika virus

b. The Rockford Files

c. Cheez-Whiz

d. O.J. Simpson’s knife

2. Three North Dakota Republican candidates for governor agree on one thing:

a. They’re going to take North Dakota back

b. You can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd

c. It’s all about that bass

d. Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy

3. Signs of an impending Donald Trump nomination:

a. Ted Cruz suddenly seems less punchable

b. Freeze-dried foods are flying off the shelves

c. Manufacturers of small to medium gloves are going bust

d. Lockheed Martin officials are already making plans to build up the Luftwaffe

4. Conspiracy theorists are convinced Justice Scalia:

a. was mistaken for a grouse by Dick Cheney

b. could have been Batman

c. promised to let Clarence Thomas talk when he was done

d. had two gizzards

5. There were few black people at the Oscars because:

a. Trump kicked them out

b. They were eaten by bears during casting of “The Revenant”

c. They were pinned down outside by sniper fire

d. All of the above

6. The South Dakota Legislature recently failed in an effort to:

a. keep wankys out of the woozies bathroom

b. keep Caitlin Jenner out of the loop

c. keep Kevin Bacon from dancing

d. lighten up

7. During his Oscar acceptance speech, Leonardo DiCaprio demanded:

a. We wake up and do something to stop climate change

b. We wake up do something about bears

c. We wake up and go to the bathroom

d. We go to the bathroom and then wake up

8. The secret ingredient in the winning recipe at the Chili Cook-off in Frederick, S.D.:

a. Gophers

b. 10-W40

c. Lighter fluid

d. Chili

9. Sign spring is here:

a. Leprechauns sleeping under the coffee table

b. NASCAR fans brush their teeth

c. Farmers worry it’s too wet and too dry

d. Peeps

10. Chris Christie threw his support behind Donald Trump because:

a. he’s a shameless opportunist

b. Trump has pictures

c. he gets all the ice cream he can eat

d. undiagnosed mini-stroke

BONUS: With Peyton Manning’s retirement, his expected replacement is:

a. Brock Osweiler

b. Oz Brockmeister

c. Will Ozenbrocker

d. Tooter Windingham

Okay, let’s see how you did. Answers: 1. b; 2. a; 3. d; 4. d; 5. b; 6. a; 7. b; 8. b; 9. d; 10. d; Bonus: c. Grading: 11-9 correct: You’re going to win so often, you’re going to get tired of winning. 6-8: You have small hands. 3-5: You’re a loser, choke artist and have low energy. 0-2 correct. Seriously, how did you get to be a brain surgeon?

© Tony Bender, 2016







GAMES