Native Americans join crusade against immigration

“This is the time to go on a warpath against immigration,” Chief Stormy Red Cloud announced as he called delegations from the five North Dakota Native-American reservations to order in the largest On-A- Slant lodge south of Mandan. (They refused to pay the $6 Fort Lincoln admission fee on their own land.)

Omdahl COLUMN BOX“Immigration is the crusade and independence is the solution,” he added with gusto as he waved a feathered tomahawk.

“We can’t have an Indian parley until we smoke the peace pipe,” suggested Chief Eagle Feather, a Chippewa from the Turtle Mountain tribe north of Bottineau.

“Let the English immigrants smoke,” countered Chief Rain-in-the-Face, a Mandan from Three Tribes in Mandaree.    “They deserve cancer for cursing us with small pox.” Small pox killed 90 percent of the Mandan in the 1830s.

“Immigration is the big issue in political campaign,” reported Chief Eagle Feather from Spirit Lake Sioux.

“Candidate Big Mouth just now make big issue about dangerous immigrants,” he continued, “but we have 400 years experience with dangerous immigrants. They rape, pillage, shoot buffalo, burn tipis, take land and then shove us on reservations.”

“Okay, how do we get independence?”  Eagle Feather asked.

“We vote. Voting is big this year. Everybody on reservations vote to declare independence,” proposed Stormy Red Cloud. “It is patriotic to declare independence.”

“But North Dakota tribes have only 35,000 people,” worried Chief Rain-in-the-Face. “Is that enough for a country?”

“There are countries with no more than 35,000 – Liechtenstein, Monaco, San Marino,” Little Deer reported.  He had a souped-up Samsung laptop full of information since attending MIT.

“But there is no way to make living on reservations without buffalo,” Eagle Feather cautioned. “So what will we do for Medicaid, food stamps, housing, education, highways and things we get from English immigrant government?”

“Wait a second,” barked Red Cloud as he raised his hand. “We will send the USA a bill for the land and minerals they took, invest everything in the stock market, and live on the income.”

“Oofta!! You betcha!” exclaimed Hidatsa Elder Walking Dog who had been adopted by Norwegians in Tagus but escaped during a smorgasbord. “How would we know what to charge them?”

“They use fair market value for property tax,” answered Elder Dream-in-Day from Turtle Mountains. “We add up their assessments and make them pay that much. It would be trillions, maybe quadrillions, even quintillions.”

“That sounds like the happy hunting ground to me,” speculated Elder Even-Bigger-Bear, the only attendee from the Trenton Indian Service Area.  “We will have so much money we won’t have to work.”

“We will have drummer dances, buffalo herds, Indian concerts, feasts, powwows,” Dream-in-Day predicted.

“We can have sports teams, bring back tchung-kee, tahhtihnakicp and woskate icasloke,” proposed Eagle Feather from Tokio.

“Yeah!” agreed Little Deer with a smile. “We can build arena and play hockey. At Spirit Lake, we will be the Fighting Sioux and beat fighting hawks and other fowl.”

“But English immigrants have not paid us for 400 years. Why would they pay now?” queried a dubious Eagle Feather.

“We will sign treaty with Mexico to let their people live in Colorado, Nevada, California, Arizona, Utah, New Mexico and all other stolen land.  If we help them, they will help us.” Little Deer proposed.

“And we will stage Indian sit-in in Congress,” he continued. “Then we will sue in the World Court. “

Bigger-Bear gave a joyful chant.

“Sounds like a winner,” he predicted. “And that will make America great again.”

Just then, the park ranger appeared to collect the unpaid $6 admission fee.  They refused to pay.  As they filed out, Stormy Red Cloud whispered to him: “Next year, we will not hire you.”