Omdahl: Blessed Be the Christmas Tie That Binds

“We’re having this sales meeting to discuss the future of Ties, Inc.,” Sales Vice President Buck Stopp announced as he looked over his 8-member sales staff. “For us, Black December has saved the company in the past but black is getting grayer every year.”
LLOYD OMDAHL
Guest Columnist
“Yah,” agreed Stu Johner, “Nobody is wearing neckties anymore except at funerals.”
“Even that has changed,” added Kermit Stomstead. “The only person wearing a tie at a funeral is doing so because he doesn’t get to speak for himself.”
“I remember the funeral when Tuff Jorgy was honored with a necktie,” noted Bert Berger. “He never wore a tie in his whole life and then they put one on him at his going away event. When he gets on the other side, the first thing he’s going to do is get that necktie off.”
“If it weren’t for Christmas gifting, we would have been bankrupt years ago,” mourned Stu. “My commissions have been so low that I am now eligible for food stamps.”
“Christmas is our big season, mainly because when people can’t think of a decent gift they grab a necktie,” added Kermit. “I get at least two ties every Christmas. My tie rack is crammed.”
“I get a lot of ties, too,” Andy Storm added. “But I regift them. The President does it so it must be okay.”
“My thrift store refuses to take neckties,” observed Bert. “They said their customers are not the necktie-wearing kind.”
“Neckties have become the zucchinis of December”, Vice President Buck lamented as a tear ran own his cheek.
“We need to swing with the market and remake the product,” proposed Andy. “Let’s put messages on ties, like
‘Just Hangin In There’”
“That’s a great idea,” Kermit bubbled. “Here’s another one: ‘I’m all tied up,’”
“Maybe we should start a line of denim ties that would appeal to all those people wearing holey jeans,” suggested Andy.
Nobody picked up the proposal.
Everyone could hear Gloria Wensberg fighting the tears in the back.
“Come on, Gloria,” Bert consoled. “Life will go on.”
“I hope not because I am in the company retirement plan and there won’t be any retirement if there is no company,” she explained.
“If bad comes to worst, we could ask the government for a safety net like the farmers get,” Buck thought out loud.
He just hated to bring up the possibility because he had always been a free enterprise guy who thought the world would be better off without government. In fact, he refused to vote for any candidates in 2016 or 2018.
“But farmers have to be in the growing business to get a safety net,” cautioned Stu. “We would still have to keep making neckties.”
“The government could do what it does with every other surplus – send them to Africa,” Andy added cynically. “Make it sound like it’s something Africa needs.”
“’Neckties for Nigeria’ sounds pretty good,” Kermit speculated.
“We may have to give up on the necktie business and come up with a new product that would still use our staff and equipment,” Buck worried.
“Our business has always been Christmas so we need to make something for Christmas,” he continued. “Some sort of Christmas decoration.”
“How about a pre-lit garland for a new style tree decoration?” asked Kermit?
“A garland made out of neckties?” Bert wondered.
“It has to be a nifty garland – maybe an inch or two wide made with necktie material,” added Kermit.
“Call it a blessed tie – that sounds like something for Christmas,” suggested Stu.
“That’s it!” exclaimed Buck. “Blest be the tie that binds. Wow! We’ll have p.r. do some sketches and the cutters check on material. And we’ll have a Merry Christmas.”